A Change in Culture - Changing Normalcy.

Changing culture can either be easy or hard. The sad thing is it is a personal choice, not a societal issue. We are forcing a culture change in the United States right now. It is because of how we are handling the current pandemic crisis. Suicide hotlines are up over 300 percent. Other help groups are seeing a boom in things. As a 12 step practitioner myself, I am seeing a baseline cultural change in how we do things. But there is hope.

These changes are neither bad nor good. But they could be awful if we define normal the way we used to. That is the part we seem to have lost from the “Greatest Generation” who acted selflessly, in fighting the Axis Powers. Accepting reality is why they went to fight. If we did not defeat the Axis Powers, everybody knew they would be here, eventually.

I have to be amazed at what happened in the first part of the 20th century. People were in two camps on the idea of flying, it was not possible, or it was 50 years in the future. Then there was Kittyhawk and the Wright brother. In the 30 years between Kittyhawk (1903), and 1933, when Adolf Hitler was just getting off the ground, we went from first flight to the founding of PanAm Airlines in 1927. From there to landing on the moon in 1969. In 63 years we went from zero to hero. Now we have more changes to deal with. And again the secret is to accept what is true, and move forward.

This is not even the first major Pandemic, since the flight of the Wright Brothers. What became known as the “Spanish Flu” (the first case seems to have been in Alabama in 1917). We fought a war, and that pandemic may have even helped shorten that war, though it killed more people than the war did. Again they accepted what is and dealt with where to go from here.

Do we continue the quarantine?

That may the wrong question, the right question maybe can we continue? At what point does the prevention become worse than the disease? If we continue with this, what will happen? Well, the food will get short. Governors are telling farmers, ranchers, dairies, and slaughterhouses to close down. Even though we have trucks to haul the food, thank your local truck driver, there may come a point when there is nothing to load on the truck. So we could be in a situation with a food shortage caused by the government.

People are living in fear of getting a disease, which is for now unlikely. That may change. But despite the week ending April 11th, being one fo the deadliest in the United States for CV19, there is hope. The overall spread is decreasing in speed.

How do I live like this?

You don’t. You live the way you need to now, not the way you did in the past. The new reality lifestyle is waiting to be defined. But can you accept that? Acceptance is NOT the solution to all your problems, it is the first step in finding a solution. So f you accept the new reality the next choice is yours. Factories are re-tooling to make Personal Protection Equipment (PPE) for medical personal. It is time for me to re-tool myself for the new reality.

Where to start? How about if you S.P.E.A.K.?

SPEAK is an acronym for steps to go through when considering your day. There is a video here about it, presented by Verve Counseling LLC. Sara is an LCSW.

The idea being if you configure a structure around your life, you can have a better life. It does need to be in the confines of current reality. So can you find a job you can do, that will keep you as safe as possible? Sadly staying at home is not even a guarantee of health. Besides the health risks of being inside all the time, it is not reality. But if you have lost your job, can you find or even better create one that you can do with a limited risk of exposure.

We do need to think about limiting exposure. You can not eliminate it. People are getting sick with no discernable path to infection. Nobody they know has it. They have been home for two or three weeks, and only had limited contact with the outside world. So they “did everything right” and still ended up exposed.

So try building your SPEAK Model Structure in your life. See if you can’t bust out of that box. There is a possibility this may be our “armistice” year. But more about that next week.

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

How to Avoid the Downfall - "Inside Out" A Movie by Disney

With all the changes we are going through, things are changing.  Some are temporary and some will be permanent.  We are changing our culture on a fundamental level. Alcohol sales have risen 45%, which is consumable alcohol.  Will all of that be used to sterilize things?  Probably not.

Fair warning: We sill see at least 100k people dying from CoVid-19 in the United States alone. Next year could be as bad if not worse.  We are in for rough times. We have only experienced 4% of that number in losses as of this writing (04/02/2020). So things will get worse.  But how we react to that is the question.  Remember 100K is less than 0.03% of the US population.  A lot of people, but the math is in your favor.

Would some of these changes have happened anyway?

Probably. Some things like Tele-Education, Tele-Commuting and other Virtual Meeting tools will become the norm.  Back in the 1940s and 50s, the technology of “Dick Tracey” was considered irrational.  But since the “Smart Phone” revolution, we’ve had that technology in our hands.

But change is hard!

If it is an escape from reality like Porn or Gambling, or if it is to alter your perception like Drugs or Alcohol, or if even it is a matter of eating things that make you “feel better,” is of no matter. The end result is always the same, self-destructive behavior.

Alcoholics Anonymous - Non-Affiliate

I do work with a 12 step program.  I do have sponsees that I work with. And one of the assignments they get from me is to watch or read certain materials. My primary source is, of course, the big book of “Alcoholic’s Anonymous.” One of the things I stress is journaling why you partake in .  An honest person will find that sometime in the past they concluded that this addiction benefited them. It is an irrational thought, but it is why you keep it up. 

There is one artistic work I recommend that is a “Non-Approved” material.  The kid's movie “Inside Out”: A Disney film that explores emotions and how we respond to it.  And that is the secret of addiction, how we respond to our emotions.  That is where the danger of being “restless, irritable and discontented”(RID)- Alcoholics Anonymous, from “The Doctors Opinion”) comes from.

What I find interesting about this simple movie is that it gently deals with the root of many societal ills.  

Whether it be the cancel culture, the rift between socialist and conservative or the issues inside one's self, the lack o ability to reconcile our cognitive dissidence between emotion, rational thought, and physical results.

Inside Out Disney Studios

A strong recommendation is to enjoy the movie “Inside Out” (Now Available Free on YouTube) Pay attention at the end when they go into different peoples heads, and pay attention to what emotions have the rule over the different people.

During these new times, am I reacting with the emotion of intellect?

Emotions are not bad, but being ruled by them is a disaster in progress.  The Stoics of ancient Greek fame had a good idea.  Acknowledge your emotions, but allow intellect to control your decisions. The Bible spends 66 books and spans 5000 years of history demonstrating this.  A religion that speaks to emotional rule, is one destined to end in self-destruction.  People who have used the Quaran’ or the Bible to drive an emotional result have done so to their destruction.

So if you have some time on your hand, watch “Inside Out” and try to picture the committee that rules your head.  You can’t eliminate the committee, but you can bring it to order.  And that is were sobriety lives.  With a committee under guidance.

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

My Weightloss experience, or my Story (So far):

2009,  about My 686 pounds.

People look at me and are shocked how fat I am.  As of this writing, I weigh 448 pounds.  But I was not always that heavy, at one time I was much heavier.  My top actual recorded weight was 686 pounds, in May of 2009.  Prior to that, I had trouble finding scales, but the shirt I wore in this picture at one time was too small for me.  So I weighed considerably more.  But lets stick with the what I can verify.

This picture was taken when I placed membership at the Santee Church of Christ in East San Diego County, California.  I started going back to church at the suggestion of a counselor who was treating me for depression after I lost my job.  Yes, the background was Photo Shopped.  I did not have any control over that.

After losing about 150 pounds on my own, I suddenly shot back up about 75 pounds.  That was in 2013.  I walked in the door ready to find a sponsor and get going.  I did not find one.  I had to go to 6 different meetings to find out what OA could do for me…. Good Idea!  I started searching for somebody to sponsor me from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I finally found my first sponsor.  We will call him “George.” 

My wife said I looked Zen! 3 months of OA, 586 pounds

And I will hug him and kiss him and… George had multiple addictions as many of us do.  He was in AA, NA and OA.  For 3 months he tried to convince me I was an AA as well.  I had assignments to drink booze and wine and prove I could not put it down.  I had no trouble.  I could leave half glasses all over the place.  I could even get a glass and not drink it at all.  You see there was no sense of “Ease and Comfort” for me in Alcohol.  Food on the other hand…

After 3 months in OA,  I lost close to 100 pounds.  I had abstinence that is typical, none of this, none of that.  Track your food and eliminate trigger foods.  Every time I eliminated a new trigger food, another one would pop up.  Eventually, George fell off all of his wagons, all at one time.  He did the right thing and hopped back on.  But I choose to seek sponsorship elsewhere.  Finding a Big Book of AA sponsor (BBAA) is hard in OA.  I tried a few, I did build a support group of like-minded OA folks.  I did not want a friend as a sponsor.  I tried the OA 12 n 12, the book Overeaters Anonymous and other things.  Though I do think the 12 n 12 workbook is an excellent tool, the BBAA is still what I focus my attention on. 

Eating to your health
Not an affiliate link

I fell off the wagon 3 times.  In 2014 I finally had an epiphany of sorts.  I did not know how to eat well, and all the “advice” I got was mostly wrong for me.  Being the computer geek that I am, I searched for the best, safest and easiest diet I could find.  No matter how I searched, all the research pointed to the Atkins Diet.  So, I built a food plan based on that.  Whole foods heavy in fats, moderate protein, and as few carbs as I could.  I lost 35 pounds the first month.  By week 2 I was never hungry.  I had to set alarms to eat or I would forget.  I had worked my steps at least twice through and started again.  In December of 2014, I found this book:

It changed me again because I learned more about what to eat.  I had started journaling why I ate certain foods in October of 2014.  I came up with my current abstinence after working on it for two weeks:

Abstinence: Eat for the healthy purpose of nutrition. 

(Can you believe it took two weeks for one lousy sentence.  It had to have depth and weight.  This did for me)

So, if I am eating for another reason, I have to decide if I am binging or not. 

 

November 2019, Weight 502 pounds approximately

I was incredibly active in OA in San Diego.  I relocated to Oregon in November of 2017.  I did not seek out OA right away, I got depressed again and probably gained a little weight back.  My insurance company set me up with RealAppeal .  It gave me some accountability, they sent me a food scale, some literature, exercise videos as well as a bathroom scale that could weigh my 495-pound self.  (See Picture).  They have coaches and weekly webinars to help you through.  They are a CICO (Calories In Calories Out) group so I do not follow their meal plans.  I still am Keto, but I do use the accountability.  It has helped.  It also made me seek out OA here, in Oregon.  I am starting back up with meetings and I do online video meetings as well.  One of the meetings I attend, I think I am the only abstinent member.  And most folks here seem to have never opened the BBAA. All I can do is try and be of service. 

August 2019, 448 pounds. 

I have lost 57 pounds over the 10 months of Real Appeal.  I am getting back into OA and I recently was found by somebody who wanted help via video chat.  I now sponsor online.  Though that has its own challenges.  I may post about that later.  Tech is coming, get used to it. 

Why I am sharing my success?  It needs to happen.  I see so many more “I’m struggling” posts.  And for those people, I hope this will be helpful.

If you are in OA and struggling, if you have been reading the material for 10 years, but can’t stay abstinent, remember our program is based on the BBAA!  You might try that.

It worked for me.  

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

What is your "Why"?

As many of you may know, I’ve had some struggles over the last 10 years or so. Well probably longer than that, but things went south when I lost my job at Qualcomm Inc. I’ve talked about my weight problem and my continued recovery from compulsive overeating. Yet a solution has presented itself.

Recently I started working on some stuff, and I had an epiphany. Now I’ve not had many of those. But this one came because of looking at my past and how I’d behaved in those times. Lets call it a review of things long gone. In my studies, I was asked what my “why” was. Why is it you want to change your life in this manner.

What if you knew why you did something? I’m not talking about bad habits here. I’m talking about the times you were successful at anything. What made that time, event or action different then all the other times that failed, maybe even at doing something you tried before?

Let’s take my 250-pound weight loss, yes I still have 250 or so to go, but I’m halfway there. Something I’d tried to do before but never had success for this long. I just took my 3rd year token, In 12 step parlance that means it has been 3 years since I have compulsively ate food. Something I’ve never done before. But have tried hundreds of times before. What changed?

How I thought about the weight loss.

I’ve always known that eating better would produce good results, but that had not helped. I know I was killing myself and my family was suffering due to my obesity. But that “fluffy emotional appeal” was not enough.

On October 22nd 2013, I found a why. Well started to anyway. When I stopped worrying about what I ate, and focused on why I ate, everything changed.

I dumped my “red food” list and forgot about my “banned food” list. I focused on what became my “Abstinence Statement” – To eat for the healthy purpose of nutrition. Whenever I saw anything I wanted to eat, I simply asked myself was it for nutrition or some other reason?

That simple shift has changed my relationship with food. I still get to eat whatever I want, I just don’t want the same things anymore.

What if I could apply this to other areas of my life?

What if the why for going to work was more than earning money?

Part of what drove this point home to me is this video I ran across. It's less than 4 minutes, done by a comedian named Michael Jr. Watch this video and then ask yourself some questions:

1. Is what I’m doing right now my purpose?
2. Could I get excited helping other achieve success?
3. Is my happiness based on what I do and have or is it based on the why I do it?

In the video, Michael’s audience member sang 2 very different versions of the same song. One was accurate and well balanced, the second was full of his own soul.

Can we find our “own soul” in whatever we do?

I Can only speak for me when I say, the times I’ve been at my best, is when I had a purpose that inspired me. I lost my inspiration at Qualcomm Inc years ago, and my job performance showed it.

Now because I’ve learned to “question with boldness” everything, I’m going to school and opening a business. My journey could not be more exciting. Sure I have challenges, but it’s not what happens to me that matters, but what I do that sets me apart in the eyes of man and more importantly God.

Set yourself apart, find your why!

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

Is commitment the secret to recovery?

I hear the word commitment in the recovery rooms a lot.  In OA its “Committed to my abstinence” in AA it’s “committed to sobriety” but is that the answer? Is it even helpful?

Commitment (noun):
1: an act of committing to a charge or trust
2 a :  an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b :  something pledged
c :  the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled

What is the primary motivator in the above definitions?  An exercise in self-will.

Commitment appears 4 times in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first is in Bill’s Story, talking about how Ebby Thatcher avoided commitment to an asylum (page 9). In more about Alcoholics it appears 2 more times (Pages 31 and 36), both times in the context of going to an insane asylum as the only alternative to doing the steps to become recovered. Finally in “To Wives”, if health is deteriorated enough it may be necessary for health’s sale to be committed to a hospital. The very idea of making a commitment to the process is foreign to what is shown us in Alcoholics Anonymous. 

So why is it we talk about “commitment” as part of the solution?

Self-will, it’s that simple.  The very cause of our disease, “self will run riot,” forces us to want to maintain control and “be committed” to our recovery. Does it make sense to use the very practice that is a root cause of our disease? Does shooting up to quit drugs make sense? Drinking booze to stay sober?

It seems to me that the problem lies in a use of language.  In “How It Works” the phrase “will not completely give themselves to this simple program” seems to get translated as “Committing” to the program. Giving one’s self is not an act of self-will, it is an act of desperation or surrender.  Our reliance on “Commitment to” Sobriety/Abstinence/Clean is simply our attempt to be in charge.  

One thing in all of the recovery stories in Alcoholics Anonymous are these people were desperate.  The choice was literally get recovered or be put in an asylum or die. I don’t hear that desperation in the rooms anymore.  I hear slogans like “easy does it” or “let go and let God,” all nice sayings, but not descriptive of the desperation one needs to have coming in to these rooms. Is it a matter of life and death or a convenient choice? I want to be recovered because even at 450 pounds now, I don’t want to die. I can’t hang out at 450 and say “this is where God wants me” because that is not God talking, its Gregor’s frightened ego trying to get me to give up.

People come to the rooms and look for the “trick” to stay sober.  There isn’t one. Being recovered is a status that occurs by working through all of the steps, completing the steps, not just reading them. If you really have come to the understanding that you are “powerless over (insert addiction here)” you realize there is no self-will that can fix you. Postpone the inevitable maybe, but to be recovered is more than that to me. It means I have to move forward.  The only option to recovery is not inside myself. It is through that external Force.

True recovery is a gift of your Higher Power.  It is the removal of the obsession from your disease. It isn’t an act of commitment or will. It is the results of getting out of yourself, that lack of selfish behavior.  The best model to be recovered from addiction is the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  In 1939 it predicted discoveries in addiction that took 50 years to confirm. The “Ohio” group, where Doctor Bob lived, indicated there was a 90% recovery rate.  Now a days, relapse is expected.  And the program is changing to be a relapse recovery, not relapse prevention.

So the question is: Is the idea of falling back in to my addiction over and over acceptable to me?

For me the answer is no.  I will be celebrating a 2 year sobriety from my food addiction in October (2015) I look forward to celebrating a 25 year food sobriety someday, not because “I can do it” but because I know I can’t. I don’t have the power to resist a 6000 calorie a day eating addiction.  I am not capable of controlling what I eat.  God has let me loose the obsession with my food.  I now enjoy what I eat and I eat a reasonable amount because   food is no longer my solution.  Food is simply something I need to do.  I can now deal with my trials like a regular person.  I’m not perfect so I’m still learning the tools to live with action instead of eating.  Progress, not perfection.

Do you think you can be the first person to self-will your recovery and make it last or is it that constantly getting back on the wagon is just the way it is?


Giving yourself over to this program, is not a commitment, it’s a surrender that makes the rest of the program possible.  It’s not self-will but honesty that makes that possible. 

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

And Acceptance is the Answer to All My Problems?

The title is a quote from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), page 417 (AA 4th edition).  I’ve often heard in meeting how this is a favorite quote. As with most things, it is a step in the right direction.  The story “Acceptance is the answer” starts on page 406 (AA 4th edition).  How many have read all of it? That story makes it clear that "acceptance" the first step to the answer. My experience has been people flipping to “417” and pointing to it like some kind of mantra.  It’s not something to say, or feel or think, it is something I do!  Acceptance is not a condition, it’s a decision.  But just like “going over the steps” is not the solution, doing the steps, making each decision and doing each action with commitment and honesty is the route to recovery.

I’m a relative newcomer to Overeaters Anonymous.  My first meeting was June 17th, 2013.  But in this short time, I’ve found a way of living that has improved my life to areas never even considered., as well as helping me continue to loose over a hundred pounds and counting (the "and counting" is the most important to me). It’s all because I’m learning to “accept the things I can not change.” More of my misery was tied to the things I can’t change than I ever thought. I considered myself an open and “accepting” fellow.  But about what really mattered, and even stuff that didn't,  I was a quiet tyrant.

I’ve heard folks say they “just can’t accept that” about some aspect of the world.  What that really means is, if they can’t change it, they refuse to decide to be peaceful with the truth, incorporate its existence into their actions. We have all accepted things in our life that are hard fast rules we can’t change.  What you may ask?  How about the idea that a collection of symbols (some 108 characters) on a page have a specific meaning?  The idea that a collection of letters and symbols, arranged and spaced in a certain way, have a linguistic, as well as a conceptual equivalent? At some point in your life you accepted that, made the decision to affirm as fact, that these symbols you now are looking at form words.  Nobody gets upset by the idea that “their personal symbols” were not adopted some 6000 years ago.  Everybody recognizes that the symbols, possibly language specific, mean something.    Another thing you’ve accepted is gravity.  Again, at some point in your life (while learning to walk maybe?), you decided that gravity existed, even though you can’t see it, you can only feel its effects.  It does not upset you that it occurs.  You should be grateful for its inconvenient pull, without it we couldn’t breathe, fly or put things on the table.

So you have accepted certain truths, to be self-evident. So what is our problem with accepting the idea that we are compulsive about certain things? Drugs, food, weight/body image, booze, spending or whatever. Acceptance is only the answer if you understand that is the start.  You see it’s one thing to accept that I’m a compulsive eater, it is another to accept, make the decision based on experience, that I am powerless over food. If I can’t make that decision, I can never be ready to complete the 2nd step.  “Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity.”

Yet again again there is a decision to be made, actually a few:

1. Is this it?  Am I all there is, everything about this is an accident, a freak of happenstance that came to being because some molecule blew it’s nose at just the right time?  Or is the fact that nature itself has laws it must follow, that everything has a certain order to it, prove that that “something” is keeping it in order? Intelligent or not, there is obviously a force that keeps the universe going. 
2. That Power is greater than what I can have.
3. I am currently insane, and I need to be restored to sanity. 

If you don’t make any one of those decisions, you are not in position to make the next decision: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” This is not something you think about, nor feel, neither do you hope for it, it is a decision you make. Many of the issues with recovery today stem from the inability of people to make a decision.   A real decision is something you don’t rush into, you can’t just say yes, and call that a decision.  “Yes” is an answer.  The decision comes when you realize the only way you will ever be able to stop whatever you are addicted to came not from your actions: not taking the first - bite, purge, drink, toke, and smoke or placing that first bet. But from your decision to allow something, like gravity, you can’t see it, touch it or feel it, only its effects, guide you away from those actions.  That is the difference for me between being “in recovery,” always worrying about that next compulsive action, and “being recovered.”  Because the later means I don’t have to worry about it.  It is resolved.  Since I know, because I made the decision that I truly am powerless over food, my Higher Power handles all of that.  All I have to do is look at what is available to eat and make the right choices.  I even ask His guidance for that. So I never have to fret when family members have foods at home that I will binge on, because I don’t have to worry about that any more.  I made the decision (on a daily basis) to turn my will and my life over to that Higher Power.

Am I perfect? Ha no! I am making progress. And progress, not perfection, is the journey. Self-will will rear it’s selfish and insane head in everybody’s life, whether you’re a compulsive anything or not. But I can make the decision “accept the things I cannot change” and I can ask for the courage to change the things I can.  Most importantly I seek the wisdom to know the difference.  If I can determine what I need to accept (Can’t change) and need to “do” I will continued to be a gratefully recovered average human.

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

The Pause: Where recovery happens!

We who are powerless over food behaviors have a special life. Whether it's nurture or nature that causes our behavior is really not important. What is important is that we have to eat to live. The Alcoholic does not physically need booze to survive, the smoker and drug addict also don't physically require their substance to survive. The compulsive food behaviorist does require nutrition. And many of us have trouble staying in a food rational state. Anything we eat can cause trouble. I have dubbed my disease the "Dragon" and I need to nourish myself from it a few times a day. If my dragon bites me, it has a poison that makes me want to eat more and more. Not because I need it, it was the only thing I could see to do. When I started my first attempt at abstinence I really felt like I was fighting a physical beast to stay food sober. I was, at 596 pounds I was the size of a small bear. I was truly fighting the beast I was powerless over… Me!
Medical professionals want to offer "medical" solutions to our overeating behaviors. If you are a restrictive eater they want a psychological solution, occasionally offering medication to help. The problem is that a real compulsive foodie, regardless if you are an overeater, restrictor or a binging bulimic, we have a problem that can't really be touched by science. There is an aspect in our brains that is not quantifiable. It is the "mental twist" the "Alcoholics Anonymous" talks about. In order to change Doctor Carl Jung said that a "Psychic change" was required to halt the alcoholic. Drug addicts and Alcoholics can just not participate in whatever their problem substance is. Though I don't mean to say it is easy, it is just much more defined. Don't drink, smoke, shoot, inhale or swallow whatever your addictive substance is. But people who have food issues can't just stop eating, yet we do need a "Psychic Change" in how and why we eat. Part of it is to understand it is not the food that is at issue. It ts the behavior of eating, purging or restricting that is the real problem. Blaming a specific food is like an Alcoholic blaming Gin, and drinking whiskey at length instead.
Many of us find that if we're binge eaters, if we give up our "Binge Food" we can control our eating. That usually works, until the next "abstinent" food becomes our new binge food. What science does not understand is that its not about the hunger or the food. When I was overeating I didn't need to be hungry or anything like that. I just needed to eat. The beast took over and I needed to eat to quell my anger, stop the emotional pain or feel better for a little while. Hunger and nutrition had no place in my internal conversation.
Now I've walked a path that has helped get a psychic change of sorts. I am aware of how and why I'm eating, I no longer just pick food up and eat it. I now eat with forethought and purpose. When I get angry, feel hurt or happy or whatever used to force me to the food, now I can pause, look at how I'm feeling and find another solution. The secret to stealing nectar from the Dragon is to do so with a purpose. I actually developed a tool to help me. The important thing in this tool is to:

1. Be honest. Ask yourselves the relevant questions and answer them honestly. If you can't be honest here, you will not recover.
2. Do it every time. It must as automatic as breathing. It can't be rationalized out of your life.

You have to be willing to pause and think. The word Pause is used twice in the first 164 pages of Alcoholics Anonymous. Once in "Into Action" (10^th step) and once in "To Wives." Some people believe that pause is what makes the difference between the grudgingly abstinent and the recovered. One can be food sober and miserable. Constantly fighting off the urges to eat this, that or the other thing. As a "recovered" person we are "placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected" (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85) regarding not only food, but many other things if we let it. That is how you feed from the dragon, yet don't get bitten to go on to a binge. I had to make it a visual tool.

The idea is at the point of my first food thought, I insert the "Pause." The obsession starts when I think about the food I see or want. So instead of continuing to think about…. Alcohol, Drugs or Food I decide what my needs are:

1. When was the Last time I ate?
2. Was it long enough that I should need more nutrition?
3. If not then I immediately look to the tools – There is no debate or rationalization.
   1. Why do I want to eat? Am I upset or is there something else going on?
   2. Read some inspirational material.
   3. Activate my plan of action – Exercise, Reading or Meditation
   4. Call my Sponsor
   5. Make a Service call – A Service call is not a way to commiserate, The idea is to be of service to the recipient. Pay attention to them.
      
       

What is the change that takes place? In Alcoholics Anonymous talks of selfishness. On page 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous it talks about the root of the Alcoholics issue:

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it will kill us."

As a way to stop our mental twist, I need to look outside myself. A "Service Call" is not an opportunity to complain to another person about where I am at, or the fact that I am obsessing about cookies or some other food that I really don't have any control over. By making a call where I pay attention to the person I'm calling, and find out what they may need, I can break the obsession. That is what Bill W did in "A Vision For You" on page 154 he relates a story about a "business man" who battles his insanity, We later find out this is Bill's own story when he eventually meets Doctor Bob:

"One dismal afternoon he paced a hotel lobby wondering how his bill was to be paid. At one end of the room stood a glass covered directory of local churches. Down the lobby a door opened into an attractive bar. He could see the gay crowd inside. In there he would find companionship and release. Unless he took some drinks, he might not have the courage to scrape an acquaintance and would have a lonely week-end.

Of course he couldn't drink, but why not sit hopefully at a table, a bottle of ginger ale before him? After all, had he not been sober six months now? Perhaps he could handle, say, three drinks - no more! Fear gripped him. He was on thin ice. Again it was the old, insidious insanity - that first drink. With a shiver, he turned away and walked down the lobby to the church directory. Music and gay chatter still floated to him from the bar."

The secret to serenity, or being recovered is not about "taking care of myself" it is about being of service to others. Then we are doing what I Higher Power has put us here to do. Things become more clear. Decisions become easier and the obsession is removed. Not because of what we do for ourselves, but what we allow God to do through us for others. Then you are recovrered,

 
You can check out "The Pause on my You Tube channel. I have a PowerPoint presemtation/video that goes in to far more detail..




 

What is Abstinence and why does yours matter to me?

In Overeaters Anonymous we make a huge deal about one little word. Abstinence! It is mentioned one time in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Doctor Silkworth mentions it in the "Doctors Opinion." It is hardly ever mentioned in an AA meeting. The concept of abstinence is simply the act of not drinking booze, simple but there is no "easy" for any addiction.  But with food we are required to nourish ourselves. I can't "not eat," I will die. In OA we are talking about abstaining from compulsive food behaviors. In my case overeating. But I must eat food. Some people deal with this by calling their "Abstinence" based on foods. "My abstinence is no sugar" is pretty popular. No flour, wheat, grease or any other particular food item is what many people in OA call being "Abstinent." But folks seem to struggle. Why is it so hard? I think it is because we focus on what we can't do instead of what we can. In reality we are striving to refrain from eating unnaturally by refraining from eating.

What does "unnaturally" mean? For the purpose of this blog it means without real cause. We should be eating because we need nutrition As a compulsive eater, I eat because it's there, or I'm upset or happy or… I could go on forever, any excuse is a good one. Other people with compulsive behaviors around food, bulimics, anorexia, exercise bulimia all do their behaviors for "unnatural" reasons as well. An anorexic will not eat because in their minds eye they are fat, they fight their natural tendency to eat to "look good" or some other physically morphism they perceive. Same with Bulimics, or Exercise Bulimics. They do the behaviors because in their mind, they have to. To "get skinny," "be healthy" or some other idea that consumes their lives. 

But we all still must eat.

Abstinence is avoiding food behaviors that are destructive. It is not about the last time you ate flour, wheat, sugar or pasta. It is about no longer acting on your food compulsion.

"Why does it matter if I consider my abstinence to be from sugar or from compulsive eating?" I'm glad you asked.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous starting on page 101 paragraph 2:
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

This has been my experience with food.  I may have controlled my eating for a while.  In the end I ended up eating more and gaining weight and ended up worse than before. If I continued to consider what I could not do, I became obsessed by what I was denying myself.  By focusing on what I can eat, I no longer need to think about what I can't.  I've found my obsession over eating food I don't need is lifted.

And yet in "the Rooms" we preach avoiding our "binge foods" at all costs. I am not suggesting for an instant one should eat what they consider "binge foods." But simple self knowledge is handy, but not a cure.  The idea that avoiding them, not being in the same room or not going someplace that serves them is a prescription for relapse. We focus so much on "the food" we stop looking at the real problem – Our compulsive behavior. It's so much easier to complain that "sugar" is evil or flour is "addictive." I've got news for you, anything can be an addiction. Nicotine, sex, eating, washing hands, cleaning, doing laundry.. We could go on ad infinitum. The truth is the real problem lies in the fact as a compulsive we are not capable of stopping. If I could control my eating I would not have weighed well over 600 pounds at one time.

So what is the problem? Well there have been studies showing compulsive eaters have brains that react to food much like alcoholic's react to alcohol. It is not like a normal brain. Is it genetic or learned behavior? Why does that matter. At this point in my life, I am a compulsive eater. I will never get cured. But I can be "recovered" in the way a cancer patient is recovered from cancer. I use cancer because the metaphor fits. A cancer patient might recover from a tumor of some kind, they are considered "recovered" or in remission. But the fact of the matter is every time they get cancer, they are much more likely to get it again. They are never cured from cancer. They are recovered. So it is with compulsive food behaviors. Like cancer you are only more likely, not completely sure to get cancer, or relapse into the food behavior that got you here.

In order to change your behavior, regardless if it is programed by nurture or genetic code, something has to change. Doctor Silkworth called it a "psychic change" (BBoAA page xxvii paragraph 1) and some folks consider this the "Spiritual Experience" the Big Book talks about. This is where the rubber meets the road, the bullet hits the mark or the compulsive is set free. The Psychic change. If we focus on the physical only, what not to eat, we can never really learn how to eat. That is my problem as a compulsive eater. I don't know how to eat like a normal person. How to stop when I'm full, or to eat only when I need nutrition. I can convince myself that I am hungry 15 minutes after eating lunch, it is part of the insanity.

The only way a drunk stays sober, an addict stays clean or a food compulsive learns to eat like a real person is if this psychic change occurs. There are no substitutes or "kinder, gentler ways." Abstinence is an absolute, you are or you are not.  I will give you a hint, a food plan is what you do and abstinent is what you are. You either eat compulsively or you do not. It is like being pregnant. You either are or you aren't, and you didn't become abstinent alone.

So why is your real abstinence important to me? Because if you are abstinent, I can see the system really works, I can draw encouragement from your success. I can see it is really a program that works. It strengthens my belief in a resolution. A program where at some point I can be in a "position of neutrality - safe and protected" (BBoA Page 85, top of page) from any food. Whatever "it" is, it no longer has power over me, not because I don't eat it, but because I don't care. It has no effect at all. Your abstinence is part of the strength and hope a new comer, who is suffering pain you have known, can see and believe it works, with that belief they can develop the tools they need to be recovered as well.

This is where serenity can be found. In the ability not have to think about it. To be able to accept what I don't eat is not important, but how and why I do eat. Not just the "what" I eat but the very reason and attitude that governs my eating. That is where the success is found, in eating in a normal way for a normal purpose.

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

The Decision: To turn our will and our lives over to God as we understand him.

The first three steps are very mental, internal.  There are indicators on the outside when we “get it.” But some people proceed without the full commitment each step requires to recover.  Admitting we are powerless over our particular addiction is not just something we say.  It is not just a matter of admitting it to another person.  To get value from it, to have a hope of eventually being “recovered” that acceptance of our condition under self-will must be complete.  We have to be sure to the very bottom of our hearts and brains that we truly our powerless over . We also “came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could (and would) restore us to sanity.”  “Believe” is not just a decision, it is a active condition.  Without complete surrender on step one and complete conviction on step two, step three is of no use.

Most people I hear in the rooms of recovery talk about what happened when they fail and the Abstinence/Recovery is broken.  Common in all of these shares tends to be the words “I” or “me.” And that is the real issue isn’t it.  We fail when “I” try to do something.  I hear people share about being in the rooms for years before any type of real abstinence is obtained,. As a new comer myself (joined OA 6/17/2013 for the first time) I’ve been trying to understand why.   Here are some of my theories (Note the opinions expressed here are just mine not “OA” as a whole):

1. The First step is never actually taken. 
   "But I know I’m powerless” some may say.  Then I could ask why do you think you could have prevented your failure?  There is no reliance on a Higher Power. I was stressed, I was this or that.  You ignore the insanity that you have. (Note I did not say “might have”) If you don’t know that you are insane around whatever your compulsion is, you are not done with step 1.
   
   In the Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous, Pages 150 to 158 (a Vision for you) Bill W describes a moment when he identified the insanity. Bill Wilson knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that going in to the bar was the worst possible option, and it was suggested by his insane brain and body.  Bill reasoned the only viable option was to reach out to another drunk, that turned out to be Doctor Bob.
   
   Do you ever look at the first compulsive bite, shot, drink or sex act and think, doing that will be insane and start me down a rabbit hole I may not escape? That is the conviction of your first step working.  That knowledge of insanity, the recognition of it and the acceptance that you will never change under your own power.  You can’t.  If you don’t see that behavior in yourself, then you never took the first step.
    
2. The second step is not real.
   “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” How do you take this step in our enlightened world?  We “know” that we are the product of an accidental explosion that may, or may not have happened billions of times in order for the physics to be perfect that we ‘eventually” came into existence:  Right? --- or do we?  I’m not even talking about the origins of our universe now.  I’am talking metaphysical physics (yes I just made that up). Even physicists keep looking for that one particle that will explain it all.  They are looking for that “42” as Douglas Adams called it.  “The answer to life the universe and everything.” More important then the “God Particle” is the “right question.”
   
   In Step 2 we “Came to believe” but why didn’t we do that? Why can’t “I” believe there is some force that is influencing me? Because during our first step we never noticed the miracles in our lives.  It may be as simple as the time we called a friend we’d not spoken to in years, only to find our voice was the one they needed to hear at that moment. Why that binge that sent us to the hospital didn’t kill us to the dismay of the medical staff, the “bad stuff” we shot up didn’t destroy our brains, that last bender ended only in a ticket and not in a fiery crash that would have killed us, or worse somebody else.
   
   It is not relevant if there is a “Supreme Being” in charge of it all, but it is relevant that there is an unseen, misunderstood force that does influence our lives. If you can’t follow the second step because you didn’t “come to believe” than there is no reason to move forward.  Without that belief, knowledge or acceptance of a “Power greater then ourselves” we can not be “recovered!” It is simple physics, if you didn’t have the power to quit before, what makes you think there is any chance of doing it alone, without the help of a Higher Power?  There is no chance! 

So what to do? I might suggest you think if being “enlightened” has served you so well? We are beings of chemical reactions and electricity, but there also seems to be something more, can we all be connected in some undefined way? Can that super mind be what we are looking for? Finding a Higher Power, not reliant of fragile human individuals who WILL fail you at some point, is the key to Serenity. Without the conviction that something does influence “me” that “I” can’t totally understand is so vital that failure to come to that conclusion is a setup to fail. And Step 3 is too easy and pointless unless we know there is some form of Higher Power.

This decision “To turn our and our lives over to God as we understand him” ought not be an easy one. The harder it is to really make, the less likely we are to walk away. We are talking about doing things based on a Higher Power, something unseen, untouched or undisclosed. Something we know is there because we see the evidence that something is working in our lives, but we are not sure what. In some cases it may take a leap of blind faith. Some of us start this journey with the idea that they “believe as if” there is a Higher Power. The funny thing, these people do get results. The idea then is to have stronger faith based on your experience. Oddly, this “decision” is where the rubber meets the road.

The rest of the steps are based on the actions taken in these first three. Taking inventory can’t be done unless you can be completely honest, honesty under our self-will does not exist for most of us. Having the strength to admit our wrongs, something we’ve been hiding from all our lives, can only come if we can draw on the strength of our Higher Power. Even being willing to release those defects of character that we have grown accustomed to isn’t something that can be done with only our will alone. We’ve probably all tried that. And our compulsion was the outcome. The only way we can complete these other steps is with the help of our higher power. Even “a friend”, as the Big Book calls those who work with us, can only point us in the right direction. It is up to you AND your Higher Power to complete these tasks.

So what does it mean to make a decision? The Latin root word Latin dēcīsiōn-  (stem of dēcīsiō ) literally, a cutting off, equivalent to dēcīs.  To cut off.  To remove from.  So what we are asking ourselves to do is to cut ourselves off, and let our HP do with us as He/She wills.  Where our issue generally lies is with the whole removal of self.  Most relapse’s that I hear share, talk about having thought they “graduated” from the program. This decision we are making is not until we stop drinking (eating, snorting, shooting etc.)” it is for life, not only a time period for now but a method of continued existence. One we have never tried before. Our goal is to continually live seeking and doing the will of our Higher Power. This is how we come to receive the 10th step promises.  Those Promises is where Serenity lives: “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol (food, drugs sex etc). For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor (ice cream, crack, gambling).  If tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see our new attitude toward liquor (cookies, Meth, Nicotine or pornography) has been given us without thought or effort on our part.  It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected.” (BBoAA Pages 84-85)

As we know there are three sides to our existence as described by the original Circle and Triangle of Alcoholics Anonymous:
1.    Unity – Physical, Step 1, Step 4, Step 8 and Step 12
2.    Fellowship – Spiritual, Step 2, Step 5, Step 6, Step 9, Step 11
3.    Recovery (Shown by Abstinence from our compulsive behavior)- Step 3, Step 7 and Step 10

If we are casual or fail on any facet, we can’t maintain the proper balance.  In that balance of life is where serenity is found.   “Remember that we deal with is alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that one is God. May you find Him now.” (BBoAA pg 58 Paragraph 4)

A Worksheet for steps 1 and 2
In the new Window Click on the Print and it will generate a PDF for you to save.  

Step 2: Am I worthy?

The Second step is part of that triad of decision steps.  Step one is all about coming to know deep in your heart that you can’t control this disease of compulsive behaviors. Step 2 is coming to trust a solution.  In it's self it is not the whole solution but one tiny but important part. Just like a cornerstone is the point from which the entire structure is measured and built, the 2^nd step - “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity”- without a decision to include a Higher Power as at least possible, we are back to playing against ourselves. True belief is not even required for this to work, “Do I believe, or am I even willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself?” (Pg 47 BBoAA) Even just being willing to believe it is possible was enough for many.  Why?
Because as we progress that faith is turned in to knowledge as we see our Higher Power working around us.  Even people unwilling to believe in a Higher Power get results if they "act as if" there is a Higher Power for them.

If I were to make Step two my very own, it would look more like “Came to believe a Power greater than I was WILLING to restore me to sanity.” Believing there is a Higher Power was never a real issue for me.  Nor was the Idea that God was some sort of punishing god, I didn’t grow up around that idea.  The God I know is benevolent. But was I worth being given His grace? Now there is a question!

It is sad that I think so little of myself that the question that caused me the most consternation was not if there was a HP But if I was worthy of His/Her attention.  Even though I had been a pretty good guy most of my life, I still felt like I don’t deserve some of the life I have.  It took me a couple of weeks to come to the idea that She/He was even willing to fix my broken down life. You see I have not managed my life well at all.  In my mind I’m not pleasing to God.

I still struggle with that after over a hundred days food sober. I don’t even have a little thought that I did this whole sobriety thing.  It is a gift from God.  Given not because I deserve it, I am not sober because of what I’ve done, I am sober because God wants me to sober or not, I ask my Higher power to guide me on what I am doing.   How to plan my meals to serve him, what direction to take driving my wife to work in tht may seem small stuff but I don’t know the whole game board, only God does.   

My HP has proven the ability to remove the mental obsession of food.  I am learning the more I rely on His/Her Power, I can live a recovered life. And one aspect of that “recovered” life means living in a healthy body He is giving me. I’ll be able to tell if I get self-reliant vs God reliant because if I am not on my way to or at a medically sound (Not a comfortable, or Okay) body weight, I am still eating compulsively. God gave me a perfect body for me. My Genetic eye disorder and all. But I put the weight on.  I actively got fat by choice, bad or good, I did it. Now I have a Higher Power to help me undo it. 

It’s simple, I plan my daily food with the simple idea of “eating for the healthy purpose of nutrition” (my form of abstinence). Not to fill my stomach, or to satisfy myself, simply for nutrition.  If it is not nourishing, it’s not included. I follow my food plan that I have asked my Higher Power to guide me to.

It has been well over a hundred days now.  I am food sober for the longest time I have ever been in my life and I am starting to “comprehend the word serenity” (page 83-84 BBoAA) and I will know peace.  But not because I’m worthy.  It is only by His Grace I can walk in to a restaurant and order   I’ve not tried that yet.  Maybe someday.
nutritious food in healthy portions. Someday I’ll be at a buffet and only eat one healthy portion.

What is more important as I walk these twelve steps, I am starting to believe I may see a healthy weight. I am starting to think God may have a purpose for me, it’s going to take some time to decipher that purpose, but I’m sure it does not include all of my current weight

I needed to learn that my Higher Power valued me enough to help, even if I didn’t. The funny thing is our High Power has already proven how much He values us. We just are too dense to notice.  God is not physical, so why this world around us?  The only reason for the physical world is for us to live in it. He valued you enough to create everything around you.  Do you value Him/Her enough to live in it?

Purchase Your Personal Paleo Code

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.