Step 2: Am I worthy?

The Second step is part of that triad of decision steps.  Step one is all about coming to know deep in your heart that you can’t control this disease of compulsive behaviors. Step 2 is coming to trust a solution.  In it's self it is not the whole solution but one tiny but important part. Just like a cornerstone is the point from which the entire structure is measured and built, the 2^nd step - “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity”- without a decision to include a Higher Power as at least possible, we are back to playing against ourselves. True belief is not even required for this to work, “Do I believe, or am I even willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself?” (Pg 47 BBoAA) Even just being willing to believe it is possible was enough for many.  Why?
Because as we progress that faith is turned in to knowledge as we see our Higher Power working around us.  Even people unwilling to believe in a Higher Power get results if they "act as if" there is a Higher Power for them.

If I were to make Step two my very own, it would look more like “Came to believe a Power greater than I was WILLING to restore me to sanity.” Believing there is a Higher Power was never a real issue for me.  Nor was the Idea that God was some sort of punishing god, I didn’t grow up around that idea.  The God I know is benevolent. But was I worth being given His grace? Now there is a question!

It is sad that I think so little of myself that the question that caused me the most consternation was not if there was a HP But if I was worthy of His/Her attention.  Even though I had been a pretty good guy most of my life, I still felt like I don’t deserve some of the life I have.  It took me a couple of weeks to come to the idea that She/He was even willing to fix my broken down life. You see I have not managed my life well at all.  In my mind I’m not pleasing to God.

I still struggle with that after over a hundred days food sober. I don’t even have a little thought that I did this whole sobriety thing.  It is a gift from God.  Given not because I deserve it, I am not sober because of what I’ve done, I am sober because God wants me to sober or not, I ask my Higher power to guide me on what I am doing.   How to plan my meals to serve him, what direction to take driving my wife to work in tht may seem small stuff but I don’t know the whole game board, only God does.   

My HP has proven the ability to remove the mental obsession of food.  I am learning the more I rely on His/Her Power, I can live a recovered life. And one aspect of that “recovered” life means living in a healthy body He is giving me. I’ll be able to tell if I get self-reliant vs God reliant because if I am not on my way to or at a medically sound (Not a comfortable, or Okay) body weight, I am still eating compulsively. God gave me a perfect body for me. My Genetic eye disorder and all. But I put the weight on.  I actively got fat by choice, bad or good, I did it. Now I have a Higher Power to help me undo it. 

It’s simple, I plan my daily food with the simple idea of “eating for the healthy purpose of nutrition” (my form of abstinence). Not to fill my stomach, or to satisfy myself, simply for nutrition.  If it is not nourishing, it’s not included. I follow my food plan that I have asked my Higher Power to guide me to.

It has been well over a hundred days now.  I am food sober for the longest time I have ever been in my life and I am starting to “comprehend the word serenity” (page 83-84 BBoAA) and I will know peace.  But not because I’m worthy.  It is only by His Grace I can walk in to a restaurant and order   I’ve not tried that yet.  Maybe someday.
nutritious food in healthy portions. Someday I’ll be at a buffet and only eat one healthy portion.

What is more important as I walk these twelve steps, I am starting to believe I may see a healthy weight. I am starting to think God may have a purpose for me, it’s going to take some time to decipher that purpose, but I’m sure it does not include all of my current weight

I needed to learn that my Higher Power valued me enough to help, even if I didn’t. The funny thing is our High Power has already proven how much He values us. We just are too dense to notice.  God is not physical, so why this world around us?  The only reason for the physical world is for us to live in it. He valued you enough to create everything around you.  Do you value Him/Her enough to live in it?

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Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.