The 10th Step, a Way of Life?

Steps one through nine are about getting fit. Steps ten through twelve are where I live.  These steps are what help me stay in “a fit spiritual condition.”

In doing step work, I found there is a little to be afraid of – I’m only trying to change my life!  My purpose was to learn how to live a life not ruled by emotion and food.  The truth of the matter for me is that Food was the symptom, the emotional aspect was really the cause.  And by accepting I was powerless over my emotions and food, as I came to understand I was insane and  that a Power greater than me could restore my sanity, I made a decision to turn my will and our lives to the care of God, as I learned of my moral failings, admitted to God and another person what I was doing wrong and I became ready to have God remove these defects, and I asked God to remove my shortcomings and I listed all the wrongs I could and made those amends where possible in not causing another harm, I became in Fit Spiritual Condition (FSC).

The 9^th step promises indicate “before we are half-way through, we will come to know serenity” and not when we complete these steps, but as we work them. 

The tenth step is “Continued to take a personal inventory (Step 4) If wrong promptly admits it (Step 5).”  In the description of how to do this works, we get the idea that throughout and at the close of the day, we look at our behavior and decide if we blew it.  Not to smash our brains into a set of rules, but to get the opportunity to set wrongs to right.  The more I set things right, the less I wanted to behave that way again.  It is a process. 

My first “Abstinences” were the usual do not eat this or that. As I learned the steps and came to understand that “abstinence is about stopping compulsive food behavior.”

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it is clear that Alcohol is not the problem.  Food is not my problem either.  Even when I weighed 700 pounds, it was about the emotional turmoil vs what I ate. It is about why I ate.  So now it is still about why I eat.  I eat now for nutrition, not for emotional comfort or “self-care.”  And when I am in “a fit spiritual condition” and I have “ceased fighting anything or anyone-“even food. “For by this time sanity will have been returned.” (paraphrased from the big book of AA, page 84)

So there is a question to I ask myself.  Am I better off today than almost 5 years ago, when I started my current abstinence?  There is no question. 

Because of these steps and the tools, I have learned, especially writing, has turned me into a better person.  I lost most of my family the first year I became abstinent.  My Father in law died, my Mother-in-law, I was her-primary caretaker, passed and my own mother died, as well as my adoptive Dad.  Needless to say, it was a rough couple of years.

Currently, I have personal challenges, and my family has challenges.  Guess what? Challenges are a part of life.  It is about how I deal with it.  Do I do so within the confines of the will of God, my Higher Power or do I try and become the director, and try and change my reality to what I want? 

I am no longer the director, and I am happy to Follow those of God to the best of my ability, striving for perfection, though I am not there yet.

In closing my day, I have found better sleep by doing the following as part of my nightly routine. This is how I do my tenth step.

I have reflected through the day, and written in my journal if I did or did not do something.  The last thing I do before going to sleep: I will not access social media, I do not read anything or listen to anything besides my Pink/Brown noise/music.

I look at my daily log.  I review what I need to do.  And I write down any actions I need to do tomorrow.  Finally, I write what I am grateful for today. I pray for the things I need to pray for. By writing it down, and reflecting on it with a view to solution versus blame, in the light of honesty versus wishful thinking, I can then come up with the proper solution with the guidance of My Higher Power.

NOTE: This material is solely the position and thoughts of the writer.  And do not reflect the beliefs of OA or other 12 step programs.  Reprinting and distribution of this material are allowed as long as no compensation is received for its use.  Feel free to use “written by a Compulsive” or another generic moniker.  I am not looking for anything but to share what has worked for me. 

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.