Step 2: Am I worthy?

The Second step is part of that triad of decision steps.  Step one is all about coming to know deep in your heart that you can’t control this disease of compulsive behaviors. Step 2 is coming to trust a solution.  In it's self it is not the whole solution but one tiny but important part. Just like a cornerstone is the point from which the entire structure is measured and built, the 2^nd step - “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity”- without a decision to include a Higher Power as at least possible, we are back to playing against ourselves. True belief is not even required for this to work, “Do I believe, or am I even willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself?” (Pg 47 BBoAA) Even just being willing to believe it is possible was enough for many.  Why?
Because as we progress that faith is turned in to knowledge as we see our Higher Power working around us.  Even people unwilling to believe in a Higher Power get results if they "act as if" there is a Higher Power for them.

If I were to make Step two my very own, it would look more like “Came to believe a Power greater than I was WILLING to restore me to sanity.” Believing there is a Higher Power was never a real issue for me.  Nor was the Idea that God was some sort of punishing god, I didn’t grow up around that idea.  The God I know is benevolent. But was I worth being given His grace? Now there is a question!

It is sad that I think so little of myself that the question that caused me the most consternation was not if there was a HP But if I was worthy of His/Her attention.  Even though I had been a pretty good guy most of my life, I still felt like I don’t deserve some of the life I have.  It took me a couple of weeks to come to the idea that She/He was even willing to fix my broken down life. You see I have not managed my life well at all.  In my mind I’m not pleasing to God.

I still struggle with that after over a hundred days food sober. I don’t even have a little thought that I did this whole sobriety thing.  It is a gift from God.  Given not because I deserve it, I am not sober because of what I’ve done, I am sober because God wants me to sober or not, I ask my Higher power to guide me on what I am doing.   How to plan my meals to serve him, what direction to take driving my wife to work in tht may seem small stuff but I don’t know the whole game board, only God does.   

My HP has proven the ability to remove the mental obsession of food.  I am learning the more I rely on His/Her Power, I can live a recovered life. And one aspect of that “recovered” life means living in a healthy body He is giving me. I’ll be able to tell if I get self-reliant vs God reliant because if I am not on my way to or at a medically sound (Not a comfortable, or Okay) body weight, I am still eating compulsively. God gave me a perfect body for me. My Genetic eye disorder and all. But I put the weight on.  I actively got fat by choice, bad or good, I did it. Now I have a Higher Power to help me undo it. 

It’s simple, I plan my daily food with the simple idea of “eating for the healthy purpose of nutrition” (my form of abstinence). Not to fill my stomach, or to satisfy myself, simply for nutrition.  If it is not nourishing, it’s not included. I follow my food plan that I have asked my Higher Power to guide me to.

It has been well over a hundred days now.  I am food sober for the longest time I have ever been in my life and I am starting to “comprehend the word serenity” (page 83-84 BBoAA) and I will know peace.  But not because I’m worthy.  It is only by His Grace I can walk in to a restaurant and order   I’ve not tried that yet.  Maybe someday.
nutritious food in healthy portions. Someday I’ll be at a buffet and only eat one healthy portion.

What is more important as I walk these twelve steps, I am starting to believe I may see a healthy weight. I am starting to think God may have a purpose for me, it’s going to take some time to decipher that purpose, but I’m sure it does not include all of my current weight

I needed to learn that my Higher Power valued me enough to help, even if I didn’t. The funny thing is our High Power has already proven how much He values us. We just are too dense to notice.  God is not physical, so why this world around us?  The only reason for the physical world is for us to live in it. He valued you enough to create everything around you.  Do you value Him/Her enough to live in it?

Purchase Your Personal Paleo Code

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.

Overeaters Anonymous Big Book Style?

On June 17th, 2013, I walked in to a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. I weighed 596 pounds, I was too heavy to get gastric bypass surgery, I'd lost my job to a combination of severe clinical depression and basic insanity. What caused which is up for debate, and I truly don't care. What is important is what has happened since I found OA and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over food. - That our lives had become unmanageable.


By the time many people walk in to any 12 step program, most people feel at some level they have completed  step one. I know when I walked in to OA on June 17th, 2013, I "knew" I had. Then I started to do step one as described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned I was clueless. On June 17th, I was at step zero, I knew I needed help. What brought me to that room was a life of complete inability to control my food. I didn't yet realize my absolute lack of control.


A few years ago I lost some 70 pounds.  I then gained almost 140 back, topping out at some 624 pounds I wanted to get Gastric Bypass Surgery.  "Loose 50 pounds." Says the surgeon. I loose 80. I then gain back 50 without even thinking about it. I realize I need real help. So I go to OA. I receive a warm welcome.  And I stand around and said "What next?"  Somebody suggested I read the Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous (BBoAA). I picked up the 2nd addition for my Nook and started reading. I also continued to go to OA meetings.

As my first week progressed I noticed two important things:

1) The BBoAA spoke of being "recovered" and OA promised I could be "in recovery."

2) Many folks feel the solution depends on planning a menu and/or reporting your food to your sponsor and measuring your portions diligently. In other words: the secular solution would teach me how to obsess about food. This "tool" is a good one, but it is only a tool, not a solution.

I was already obsessed with food and I wanted to have that "position of neutrality-safe and protected" (BBoAA page 85 top paragraph) about eating I read about. I wanted my obsession "removed", I don't want to be "fighting it nor avoiding temptation." I want to live as normal a life as I could. I know from my studies I will never be a "normal eater" but I believe I can be a happy eater. Not through my efforts alone, that can only lead to obesity and death, but through learning to live with the outside help of a Higher Power.

Enter the Big Book Awakening. A group of people who strangely feel the methods that worked for 75% of the original 100 alcoholics in 1939, can still work.  And not just for alcohol but for any addiction/obsession.

I have come to my WOPR moment! In the 1983 movie WarGames, a military computer named WOPR (War Operations Programed Response) figures out the futility of Global Thermonuclear War from strategic games like Chess and Tic Tac Toe. The computer played these games, against itself, always loosing. The computer "Joshua" realized one side or the other might survive but Joshua always lost.

Of the 12 steps, a thorough step one will show you, if you are honest and really are a compulsive _____ (eater, drinker, addict etc.) that there is no way you can quit on your own. Why? Because "Remember we deal with alcohol (food, drugs, nicotine etc) cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too powerful." (BBoAA pg 58) The reason our addictions are so "cunning, baffling, powerful" is we are fighting ourselves. The only real solution is an outside influence or a higher power.  Anything less is just another diet club.

On my own I am playing Chess against my self. Pixar explored this in a short called Geri's Game:

Meet Geri, this kindly old gentlemen with glasses is my addiction, my spiritual malady.  I know he looks harmless but just watch what lengths "he" will go to to win! His opponent is my own personal ego looking to get "clean.".


When ever "I" think I'm winning, my spiritual malady will cheat.  I can't beat a game against my self, especially since "I" will cheat. The only way to win is for me to not play.  A common catch phrase used by AA/OA is "let go and let God." Sounds great, and how do you do that? As a religious person myself, I've never been able to do that.

A true alcoholic or eating disorder victims became drunks, addicts or food obsessive  because they wanted a level of "control." As spiritually infirm people being in charge is what we thought we were doing in being obsessive. But in truth we controlled ourselves into what ever oblivion we chose. Why? Because we are not capable of clearly thinking, by any definition we are insane.  We over or under think, we "misremember" our personal experiences so when we pick up the we are "We'll do it better" or "it wasn't that bad last time" so we push on. Last time you gained 140 0pounds, were so depressed you lost your job and your house, or worse.  "But this tine is different......"(Note: A Lie)

Left to my own devices I will screw it up again.

When do you know you are ready to move to step 2? When you reach that WOPR moment.  When you realize the only solution is for you to stop playing the game.

Gregor - Back from the brink! From there and back again. A spiritual Hobbits journey.